I thought this blog would be a good place to cry my ass off, but I only did one entry since Juli left. She's coming back may 31st and I just don't know how I managed to get here. God was mercyful enough to grant me with my familiy's love: they got me a ticket to Miami. And so I went on december 20th. The best vacations of my fucked up life. She is the most perfect thing in the world. Everything was perfect. But I had to come back. January 6th was the end of the magic. And so here I am, surviving since that date. But now, that there's less than a month for her return, everything started to feel more unbearable than usual. I mean, my life hasn't been a life since her departure (excluding those two weeks and a half). I kept studying, translating documentaries, jerking off. Sleeping. But all the time I felt as I was holding my breath, contracting my belly, balancing crystal plates on the point of my finger. All the time I was tense. And then, this feeling just became part of my so called life. Everyday was an effort to keep standing. Not to break up. Not to tear myself up. I'm tired of living like that. I'm so tired of all this. And now, when this hell is almost over, all those terrible feelings are coming up, stronger than ever. I don't know how I managed to get here and I'm so frightened of the next weeks. I don't know if I can manage. But I have to. I need to be in one piece for her. It's easy for people to say I should not depend so much on a person and that I should have used this time alone to take care of myself, to enjoy myself, make plans for myself. But how can you do this when you only keep going because of her? When she's all that matters and without her... there no reason to exist? Time went slow when she went away. It got slower now. Far more slower. I have nobody to talk. I mean, I have. But people usually hear you once, give their advice and then assume your problem is solved. They don't want to handle you more than once. And if you do talk anyway, they start to get annoyed of you. Sometimes I just want to cry, and I can't. That would make me feel less terrible. I just want her happiness, and I would have done it again if she wanted so. I just want time to run as fast as possible. I hate my life, I hate myself. I'm nothing without her.

Juliane is gone. She went to Miami to study for 9 months. I was expecting to feel sad, lonely and sort of desperate after 2 weeks, but not in 1 day. I feel lonely, although I'm surrounded by many friends and family. It hurts so much, deep within my chest. God, 9 months! What the fuck! I never should have agreed with this. Didn't see it coming. I miss her so much. She's happy, probably missing me too, but it's her adventure. A new place. Pictures, places, new friends, new house. And I'm still in the same shit. Nothing new, nothing good, nothing to be proud about. She misses me, but she's happy. Nine months... how could I ever have agreed with this???? Because I love her. I beg to almighty God to give me strength. To let the time pass as fast as possible. Just let me be with her again. This is tearing me apart and we are just beginning.

Feel like crap lately. Not in good mood, tired, getting angry with absolutely no reason, zero tolerance. I mean, there's no actually any reason. Everything is doing just fine. But somehow I feel sad. I've been thinking a lot about non-sense stuff, day-dreaming, UFOs and a glimpse of a different life I had somewhere/when. It's sad, cause every people has a place they call "home". Doesn't matter if it's a beach house, your childhood house, whatever. I feel as if I'm always "passing by". Still looking for "home" and, along with it, happiness. I disguise, I numb my sadness with little happy events: a joke, a laugh with my friends, a cozy nap on my gal's lap. But to be honest, there's something missing in my life and I know that it's just a detail, but unfortunately is the biggest, major detail in my life. And-I-don't-FUCKING-KNOW-WHAT-IT-IS! And then, I start to think that maybe I'm not giving the real importance to what I already have. But I do! And I hate to say it's not enough! It's like having the blueprints for the house of your dream but with no place to build it. Is that a bad thing, I mean... will people understand me? That they are important to me, even though I feel this way? That my life would be far more worse without them? Without Juli? I have no one to talk about this, because everybody will feel sad, in a way or another. I'm surrounded by a lot of people, loved people. But always felt lonely.

As you all can see, the year kinda sucked monkey's balls. Since my last post was on march and now I'm here back and whatever. Well, it didn't actually sucked. Got my license driving and I'm earning some good cash translating UFOs documentaries. Could be paying a lot more, but hell: it's cash. Two weeks to finish the college year and I know this vacation won't be enough to put my energy back to the top. Damn, if only we had a zombie holocaust.... Until that happens, I'm learning swedish. Kinda beautiful language, and fun to learn. Perhaps Stockholm is much better than this piece of crap I live...

Sometimes I need to get a hold on myself. Actually, most of the times. Self control is something really hard to me, but I always "win the battle". Maybe that´s why everyday is just as hard as the other day. I tear myself apart everytime I wish I could kill someone, beat to the death, injury so badly the person would never be the same again. It´s hard not to lose control. I don´t know why I´m like that and I don´t know if I´ll always be able to take a deep breath and hold my horses. I don´t know what I am. A lunatic? A serial killer? A sadistic? If I just let me be, what kind of monster will I reveal to myself? Why do I have such a hate, boiling and screaming inside me? Why seems to me that the only way to break free of it is to do something horrible to someone else? Who am I?

First post of the year 2010. That's suppose to be a great year, and so I hope. Cause last year really got me tired. So, I spent a whole month at the beach and now I'm back to real life. To all the worries. To all the problems. Perhaps it's just me, being negative-man again. I don´t wanna be like that but... what else can I do if things just suck? It'´s like I've abandoned all hope, but not exactly. Which makes me a very positive person. Right? Ah, all bullshit! It´ll be a helluva year. I hope... again. Ops: UFO is coming. Time for my night ride.

One more year is closing. 2009 sucked major ass, though I learned some good lessons in my life. Good riddance. And close the door when you leave. **ass-hole mode ON**

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I remembered how I died in one of my past lives. I had to and asked someone very close to do it. And so, I could accomplish what I had to do. But at what price? At least, I could ask for forgiveness... in this life, but it doesn't matter. He forgave me.

Not a white belt anymore! Upgrades are the word of the day in Judo, and now I'm a grey belt judo-dude! Beware!

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Just... one more.... week.... until... summer... vacations... *dies*

Summer rlz: that's all I can say. Love the bright sun, the melting heat, the sweat slipping on my cheek (disgusting? you tell me). It remembers me of vacation (duh), peace, beach (ohh, I do bloody love beaches), ice-cream, coco-nut water and hot chicks in tight bikinis. Yup, I'm a pervert. And I'm proud of it. Pervert, but loyal to my girl. That's all that matters. Besides, she's hot too. So, what's the problem? And, of course, the best of all things (ok, "almost" all things): doing nothing. I wish I could be paid for doing nothing. Wait a minute: actually, I do. I can say it's the happiest part of my life in a year. The only thing left is making contact at last. But that, it seems, is not up to me.

I had a weird conversation with a friend of mine about abduction. She said she fears it. I said I love it. After that, I started to "sense" a presence in bed room, every time I go to sleep. Even now, if I pay attention, I can "feel" "him" looking over my shoulder, as if "he" was just... observing. It creeps me out, but it's ok. It's... amazing. It's about a week or so since that conversation and "his" appearance. I can't actually see "him", but it's almost as I could see him with the corner of my eyes. Three nights ago, I saw "him" for the first time. Standing, next to my bed, dressed in a white and tight jumpsuit (hard to say). There was a gray, staring patiently and emotionless at me. I was scared, but not in panic. Fear of the unknown. But pleased too. I wonder how long our relationship will last only in this observation-thing. Life is starting to get interesting... finally...